Crazy shoe stalker

It’s story time ladies and gents… 
Today’s story is all about stupid people, or should I say, a stupid person!
Are you ready?

A few Saturdays ago my super sweet hubby gave me a tip that Old Navy was having a flip flop sale for all card holders. Shoppers with Old Navy, Gap or Banana Republic credit cards could purchase flip flops for only $1.

I had JUST been complaining to him about how I needed new flip flops after realizing that I could feel every rock beneath my feet during our annual to the GA Renaissance Festival {post coming soon} so I was thrilled and ready to snag me up a basket-full of floppers. {Let it be known that I have never called flip flops “floppers” before in my life. You are now officially witnesses to a first.}
So I headed on over to get my flip flop shop on.
When I arrived I noticed there weren’t any signs advertising the sale so I quietly {apparently not quietly enough} asked one of the sales associates if the sale was, in fact, today. She confirmed that it was, for card holders only, and I continued on my path to flip flop heaven. 
As I stood in AWE of the EPIC WALL OF FLOPS, I noticed that someone was standing next to me. Thinking nothing of it, because surely someone else knew about the sale, I continued pondering my purchase. Then, all of a sudden, the stranger beside me made herself known.
Stranger: Um, excuse me?
Me: {looks at stranger unsure if she’s talking to me and looks back at wall}
Stranger: Excuse me?
Me: {realizing that she IS talking to me looks back}
Stranger: Did I hear you say that flip flops are only $1 today?
Me: {realizing that she obviously heard me at the register but still thinking I’m just being a helpful fellow shopper} Yes, if you’re a card holder. Next Saturday is for non card holders.
Stranger: What kind of card?
Me: {oh eff…} It’s a store credit card but you can have one from Banana Republic and Gap and it works the same.
Stranger: Oh ok. Um, if I gave you money would you buy me some? I don’t have a card.

SAY WHAT? I would NEVER be bold enough to ask a total stranger to buy something for me. Especially if the thing that was keeping me from a great discount was something I could easily get my hands on. 
Now… I know that my reaction might seem a little harsh, but let’s be honest here:

  • You’re asking a total stranger to purchase something for you.
  • You wouldn’t have known about the offer if you hadn’t been dropping eaves {name that movie} on my conversation with the sales associate. 
  • You can easily walk up to the register and GET YOUR OWN CARD
I forgot to mention that the perfect stranger, we’ll call her the Crazy Shoe Stalker, was standing uncomfortably close to me. So close that I felt somewhat cornered. 
I was so caught off guard by her request and her narrowing distance to my face/death stare that I said, “Um, sure I guess.” 
The next part of our awkward conversation went a little something like this:

Crazy Shoe Stalker: So how many are you going to get?
Me: I don’t know, maybe two or three
Crazy Shoe Stalker: Okay, well I’m going to get three, is that alright?
Me: As long as you can pay me, I guess so. {seems to have been my key phrase throughout this whole experience}
Crazy Shoe Stalker: Ok, cool.

So after I quickly choose my shoes {black, grey and brown}, Crazy Shoe Stalker takes her sweet time picking out the brightest, most colorful shoes on the wall. There are TONS to choose from so within about 2 minutes I found myself standing back watching her make her bad decisions. {I’m not hating on colorful flip flops, but the fact that she was already on my hit list makes just about every decision she makes a bad one}
After about 5 minutes she finally realizes that I’m done… and burning a hole in the back of her head… and she asks, “Oh, um, are you done already?”

Evil glare.
Me: “Yeah, I’m done.”


So, Crazy Shoe Stalker collects her three pair of shoes and follows me to the register where she continues to ask me questions about this MYSTERIOUS Old Navy credit card {as if it’s something she truly had never thought to imagine} and the mesmerizing flip flop sale to which she was so skillfully taking advantage of. It was at this point that I made another attempt to get out of having to buy this chick shoes. Amidst her ridiculously obvious questions I turned and reminded her, “You KNOW, next Saturday the sale is available for NON CARD HOLDERS. Just walk through the doors and you’re eligible for the sale.”
HOPING that even the dimmest of light bulbs might flash above her noggin, I awaited what was sure to be a painful response. 
Crazy Shoe Stalker: Yeah, but the lines are going to be so long, so I’ll just use your card instead. 
Oh yeah… painful. 
At this point I realize that I’ve already committed to this far-too-friendly gesture and should just suck it up and stop trying to get out of it. So I continued off to the register and my clingy companion followed along behind me rummaging through her purse trying to see if she had $3 to seal the deal. 
When we get up to the register we place our flops on the counter and I get my Banana Republic card out of my wallet as the sales associate begins to scan. BUT, before she grabs the first pair, she stops and informs us that there is a limit to how many you can purchase. Only 5 per store. 
Meaning you could buy 5 pair at store A but would have to drive over to store B for any additional pairs within the $1 sale. Sweet. 
If you’re keeping count we had a total of 6. Looks like Crazy Shoe Stalker has a tough decision to make but, as if I shouldn’t have seen it coming, when I look over at her to see which pair she’s going to put back I realize that she’s looking at me to make the same decision. 

She really thought that I was going to put a pair back while I’m the one that’s getting her the sale in the first place. 
So after a quick stare down and a very INTENTIONAL raise of the eyebrows from yours truly, she picks a pair and slides them to the side. I think they were neon orange. Or maybe electric blue. I can’t remember.
So, the transaction continues and we ask the sales woman to put them in two separate bags. I hand her my card and {of course} the computer has a hard time scanning it. She said it’s a normal problem with BR cards so she grabs the super old fashioned credit card swiper to finish the job. It’s then that I realize that my slippery friend has not only taken her bag but has moved to the other side of the register, between me and the door. It’s CLEAR that the transaction is NOT complete because the sales woman is still trying to get my card to swipe but does that stop Crazy Shoe Stalker from being her abrupt and boneheaded self? Nay.
Crazy Shoe Stalker: Um, can I go now? Am I done?
SERIOUSLY? She still has my card in her hand and you are trying to peace out with store merchandise. How many flights of stairs did your mother drop you down when you were a child?
The woman behind the counter gave her the same look that I’m sure my face was making and said, “Um, no, I haven’t finished the transaction so you can’t just leave”.
You go girl.
Annoyed and clearly frustrated that her plan for world domination is coming to a slow Crazy Shoe Stalker huffs and pops her hip to the side in protest while I pray to God and the Saint of shopping that the transaction be finished as fast as possible so I can be rid of my stalker. 

Thankfully everything gets done, Crazy Shoe Stalker hands me $2.25 {for tax} and heads out the door. Thank the sweet Lord. 
NEXT, I hear the sales associate behind me, the same one who originally confirmed that the sale was running, say, “So she suckered you in, huh?”
A little surprised and slightly worried that I was going to get busted by the Old Navy Police, I looked over and realized that she was just as dumbfounded as I was so I simply smiled and nodded. The other girls that were working didn’t understand until I said, “I’ve never met that girl before.” The shock continued. Not just because they realized that she had asked a perfect stranger for this favor but that she was so pushy in her attempts to get her flops and get out. 
At the end of the day, I had my 3 pair of shoes, a few bucks {which I probably spent on a Frosty or small fries} and a few extra jewels in my crown in Heaven. I suppose if I were to really get credit for being a good samaritan I would have been more welcoming of Crazy Shoe Stalker and her bold {and yet simple} request for some shoe assistance. BUT, perhaps it was a slightly less samaritan-like mood that day that turned this whole situation into something truly heinous in my mind. 
Until Next Time…
What do you think? Was I totally overreacting? Would you have agreed to the exchange? Let me know! Just don’t hate on me too much if you think I’m being a total prissssss.

SERIOUSLY… You Really Thought That Was A GOOD Idea?

As you know I have the agonizing task of dealing with moron dancer tweens each and every week for three straight hours {pray for me}. I haven’t written about them in a while but not because they haven’t given me post-worthy material. Trust me, there’s been plenty of nights where I had to remind myself that there was liquor waiting for me at home in order to keep from locking them in the boys bathroom. Eunice is still her usual pain in the ass and the other little creeps continue to amaze me with their supidity and disrespect. I do, however have a new favorite. She’s sassy and adorable and takes about as much crap as I do, so she’s frequently giving the other girls these evil looks like, “bitch, please”. We’re BFF’s. NO, the reason I haven’t written about them is because I’ve been trying to keep my blogs positivity quotient at an all time HIGH. BUT… last night was the straw that broke the on-the-brink-of-homicide dance teacher’s back. Get this…


The studio where I endure my weekly torture is tucked randomly in an extremely secluded parking lot surrounded by plenty of EMPTY businesses. The parking lot itself is also down a slight hill so you can see the main road but it’s not dead on.  Now that Daylight Saving has ended, it is dark for the majority of the time I’m teaching, making said parking lot OOBER creepy. Basically it’s the perfect scene for a cheesy Jennifer Love Hewitt horror film. The only active shop is a nail salon that closes at 7 and a Walgreens ACROSS the lot and slightly up the hill. Hopefully that paints a good enough picture but I’ve provided a visual just in case.

A few of my BRIGHTEST students {11 and 12 years old, mind you} thought it would be a good idea, during the hour they have to wait between classes, to take a little WALK over to WALGREENS for some sugary snacks… and that’s exactly what they did. They LEFT THE STUDIO ALONE, venturing out into the dismally dark and super spooky parking lot so they could boost their already unacceptable sugar levels… for my benefit I’m sure. I think it’s important to put out a disclaimer that the individual classrooms have windows that are covered by curtains or construction paper so while I’m teaching I can’t see what’s going on out in the lobby, hence why I wasn’t prompted to run out of the room to grab them by their pony tails before they made such a stupid mistake. Normally these particular students stay put but they decided that the first dance night of COMPLETE DARKNESS was the perfect night to walk outside alone. Idiots. Seriously don’t they have some kind of app on their iPhones to tell them it’s a bad idea… yes they have iPhones.

You might be wondering how exactly I came to learn about their little adventure if I couldn’t see out the classroom windows… this is the best part. I came outside during the class change and notice that the moron tweens are munching on new treats. I thought about it for a moment and had a frightening thought. So I ask, “DID YOU THREE GO TO WALGREENS?” They proceed to avoid answering through twerpy giggles and full mouth mumbles. I still wasn’t 100% but was planning on give them a lecture either way. Then I hear a slightly less twerpy {but still annoying} giggle behind me and I turn to find a mother of one of the children in my previous class. Let me repeat… A MOTHER. She proceeds to say… “I can answer that question for you. Yes, they went to Walgreens” followed by a totally clueless grin. 

Her expression soon changed and her NEXT reaction was… AND I FREAKING QUOTE… “Were they not supposed to do that?”
I was like…


While I politely answered that I didn’t think it was a good idea for them to be outside of the studio alone in the dark I was picturing myself grabbing her cheeks, shaking her face and screaming “YOU LET THREE 11 YEAR OLD GIRLS WALK OUT OF THE STUDIO INTO THE DARKNESS WITHOUT SUPERVISION??? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF IDIOT??? WERE YOU DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD AS A CHILD, OR HAVE YOU DONE TOO MANY DRUGS TO THINK LOGICALLY???? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???” P.S. In my imagination I have super human strength so I’m actually picking her up by her cheeks… just so you can get the full experience.

To make a long story longer, I gave those three boneheads a piece of my mind about how STUPID their decision was and made them pinky promise they would never do it again. Yes, pinky promise. I’m not sure if you realize but a pinky promise in dancer-tween world has more clout than a gold plated pre-nup.

WHAT THE FRACK DUMMY MOM… in what world is it even remotely acceptable to allow that kind of thing to happen. These are not quite girls so there is no chance that she didn’t notice they had left. She knew, and just let them leave… alone… into the abyss.

Until next time…

A Horrible Discovery *UPDATED*

I stumbled upon something quite disturbing yesterday and thought my faithful followers should join me as I turn my nose up at whatever bonehead designed the layout of the Kroger down the street.
Before I start my bash-fest allow me to say that I love Kroger and have since it first shined it’s pretty face just off of Hull Street {that’s in Chesterfield, VA} by my parents house. I’m a faithful customer and a proud Kroger Plus Card holder. So just let it be known that up until the last few weeks Kroger and I have been in a happy and respectful relationship. Then things changed.
You may remember from my caramel apple post that I spent a very unhappy 20 minutes in Kroger scouring the aisles to find Kraft caramels only to learn that, according to Mr. Manager, they weren’t in season. So dumb, Kroger. What other season would you have melting caramels in? I happily stuck it to the man by making my own kick-ass caramel from scratch. TAKE THAT Mr. Manager and Kroger execs. I didn’t let this soil the relationship too much… but Kroger knew he’d done something wrong would have to make it up to me in due time.
So, hoping for a little rekindling of the flame, I stopped by after work to pick up a few essentials. At one point I found myself in the hot chocolate/coffee aisle. Being that I’m a self-proclaimed choc-a-holic, and it’s actually starting to get COOL in Georgia, I couldn’t resist. I grabbed myself a box of instant DARK hot chocolate and looked around for what SHOULD have been placed next door on the exact same shelf. But it wasn’t there.


EVERYONE WHO IS ANYONE knows that you CANNOT have hot chocolate without MARSHMALLOWS! Am I RIGHT???? You don’t have to answer, that was rhetorical. YES… you must have marshmallows with your hot chocolate. So WHY for the love of Pete {who is Pete anyway} were there no marshmallows to be found? Not on that aisle, not even in the next aisle over. I had to go past 4 aisles to the baking section to get my marshmallows. Truly appalling. I understand that hot chocolate is not technically a year-round drink {although it’s a cool summer night never stopped me!} but it’s NOVEMBER now and they didn’t even have a little marshmallow display in one of those tall cardboard octagons. I’m disappointed in you Kroger. I thought you were better than this.

Since my voter registration card hasn’t come in yet I won’t be voting tomorrow {YOU should} but I would like to cast a different vote tonight…
I VOTE, that once we have reached the month of October, marshmallows should be placed in close proximity to Hot Chocolate as to not infuriate people who are smart enough to know that you cannot have one without the other.
Boom… new law….I win.
In other news…
I WON SOMETHING! {you can’t see me but I’m giving you a big cheesy Miss America “oh my good gracious” face!}
I feel so special! There is a great blog called She Said Yes! that is all about the tiny details of wedding planning. Jacin, the BEAUTIFUL bride behind the blog, {she and her husband got married this past September in a gorgeous ceremony… not that I was there…or am totally obsessed with her blog} hosted a cute giveaway and was sweet enough to comment on my Mad Movie Monday post from yesterday to tell me that I had been picked {at random} as the winner of an ADORABLE laundry travel bag from Plum Cozy Cottage on Etsy!  It’s a little tote that helps you keep track of which delicates are dirty and which are clean when you are traveling. Absolutely adorable and I can’t believe I won! THANKS SO MUCH to Jacin with She Said Yes and Temre with Plum Cozy Cottage!
I never win anything so I’m sort of like a kid in a candy store right now, sans the drooling and cavities! 
 Until next time…

Caramel Chronicles

Hello loyal readers, how goes it?

I wanted to take a little bit of space to thank you for following my blog. It makes a girl feel quite special to know that her goofy piles of nonsense might be somewhat entertaining! I feel like such a nerd but I get such a jolt when I see my follower number slowly rising, so thank you all, from the bottom of my blogger heart, for keeping me so electrified. I’d love for you to pass my link on to folks you know who might enjoy my shenanigans as well and don’t forget to give me feedback on posts whenever you feel inclined!
Alright enough of this mushy stuff… onto my latest kitchen adventure!
Ever since I wrote a post at work about making caramel apples from scratch I have been dying to try it myself. So last Wednesday I went straight to Kroger after work and picked up apples, sticks and toppings (coconut shavings, mini M&Ms and peanuts). You didn’t think I was going to have PLAIN caramel apples did you? 🙂
I didn’t have much faith in myself to make the caramel from scratch so I was going to opt for melting the individually wrapped caramels. Guess what Sara… Kroger says NO. Seriously, I scoured that store for 20 minutes with zero luck only for them to tell me they didn’t have any because they weren’t in season. What the frack? What other season is known for caramel apples? Blurg… I was DETERMINED to make caramel apples (I NEEDED CARAMEL APPLES) so I tried out Target. Target says NO too… only they told me that because of the current state of the economy people were sticking to generic (cheap) candy for Halloween and weren’t “splurging” on caramel. Awesome. I called Z to get the ingredients for made-from-scratch caramel and headed home to get my candy making on!
I discovered something within my confectionery adventure… I LOVE MAKING CARAMEL. It was so much fun.. here’s a little how to:

  • 1 cup light corn syrup
  • 1 can (14 oz) sweetened condensed milk… I read that Eagle Brand is the best because it is one of the last brands to use whole milk. Not so good for your thighs but great for your sweet tooth!
  • 2 1/4 cups light brown sugar
  • 2 cups butter
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

This is the recipe that I used though there are numerous variations out there.

You also need a handy-dandy candy thermometer:
While I did plenty of reading on how to make the caramel, I also followed this helpful video:I got this one at Target for about $9. I decided it was worth the extra bucks just in case I had tons of fun making candy… which I did… therefore making this a great investment!

Before starting your caramel, be sure your apples and toppings are set. Wash and dry the apples, then skewer.
Enough jibba-jabba, time for a photo recap of my home-made caramel!

Melt the brown sugar and butter over medium heat, constantly stirring, until combined.
Once the brown sugar and butter are completely combined stir in the sweetened condensed milk and corn syrup, continuously stirring. Once the mixture begins to bubble, attach the thermometer to the side of the pot. Be sure the bottom of the thermometer isn’t touching the bottom of the pot.
I was worried when it started looking like this… but it’s supposed to!
 Stir, stir, stir stir until the thermometer reaches 248 degrees or a hard ball stage. My totally awesome thermometer is actually marked ‘hard ball’. Yay.
Immediately remove from heat and stir, stir, stir in the vanilla extract. It will produce a super sizzle, which I learned from the above video is totally normal, but then calm down to a SMOOTH ooey gooey caramel! Now on to the dipping.
Two coconut, two peanut, one M&M, one perfect plain and…
this catastrophe…
The caramel got a little too cool by the time we went to dip this one… hence the mess.
We were so excited to dive into the apples once they cooled but we quickly found that the caramel was… ROCK SOLID. There was NO biting in to these apples. In fact, there wasn’t even cracking into the caramel with a knife… which I tried. Completely distraught I snacked on a handful of mini M&M’s and gave up for the night.
On Saturday I decided I just couldn’t let the apples go to waste so I took a meat tenderizer to the caramel, hacked it to pieces and peeled it off the apples to start over. Quite the sight. I still had all the needed ingredients so I started over once again, with apples and toppings prepped. I did everything the same EXCEPT… I didn’t let the caramel get to the “hard ball” stage. Instead I removed it from the heat at a “firm ball” stage and BOOM… perfect caramel for perfect caramel apples. I got a little overzealous with the photos but they are just so pretty and perfect:
YAY FOR SUCCESSFUL CARAMEL APPLES… even if it did take two tries!
Take that Kroger.
Until next time…