First NEW JOB Funny Story, That Has Really NOTHING To Do With My New Job

As many of you know I have a new job.
It’s a HUGE improvement from the hell hole of terror and fear that I was in before and I’m loving just about everything about it. My coworkers are fantastic, my boss is fun and hysterical, my workspace is open and sunny and while the commute has definitely boosted my road rage, going into the city for work makes me feel like some big shot business woman from a romantic comedy. {Yes, I’m a dork}
While there are plenty of areas to eat within the office, the warm Georgia weather has been calling my name to bask in it’s glory. So, to show respect to Mother Nature, I’ve started taking advantage of the patio on the first floor and have been eating lunch outside. Not only to bask in the Georgia heat but to get a little sun while I’m at it.
Normally people don’t pay much attention to me, probably because I’m sitting alone, wearing sunglasses, with my nose buried in Something Borrowed by Emily Griffin {currently at least}.

A must read!… excited to see the movie once I’m finished!

Every so often someone might approach me to share my table and umbrella or to snag one of the vacant chairs surrounding lonely little me. I always agree with a smile and continue on with my lunch and reading. No big deal. Totally normal. 

That was until a few days ago when I was joined by a very ‘interesting’ character. A character that had me questioning not only the country’s educational system as a whole but a number of other facets of life. 
Now I’ll be the first one to admit that our full interaction isn’t really something I would expect people to be shocked at, but I just wanted to share it with all of you to, once again, see if my internal reaction was totally nuts or totally warranted. 
So, as usual I was sitting by myself, enjoying my lunch, a great book, and the bright shining sun on my shoulders and I noticed there was someone walking towards me. I looked up and saw a real-life fashion train wreck. I’m no fashionista but at least I know this much… a skin tight, black and white, horizontally striped mini-skirt paired with a low cut black tank top with a little flash of purple bra and streaks of red in your hair is the perfect recipe for disaster. I did a pretty good job of keeping my composure but little did I know that my attempt to keep my jaw from wagging open in shock would soon be joined by the need to avoid giving this chick a full-fledged “WTF” face.  
As she gets closer, she points to one of the empty chairs at my table and says, “Uuhhm, can I plop a squat right heeya?”. 
Dear Board of Education,
When people speak this way in grade school, please do not assume that they will grow out of it with maturity or that it’s simply a way to rebel against traditional forms of order. It’s a serious problem that needs to be remedied… BEFORE they are released into the REAL WORLD and expected to make a name for themselves. 
Quit effing things up.
Someone who knows how to speak without sounding like a total bonehead.
So, while keeping my face in check, I simply smiled and said, “Yes, of course.”
Hoping Thinking that was the end of the conversation, I went back to my book but the fashion victim continued her awkward introduction with, “I idn’t {intentionally spelled wrong to fully identify what this girl sounded like} meanta interrrrupt yo lunch o nuthin.”
What I said: “Oh no, you’re fine”
What I wanted to say: “Learn to speak properly before opening your mouth again I’ll be less irritated with your CONTINUED interruptions.”
We sat in silence for a good 10 minutes as I alternated between reading, basking in the sunlight and munching on my PB&J. She was filling out some kind of paperwork, jib-jabbin on her phone and going to town on a bag of pork rinds. {yes, pork rinds} All was well with the world until I switched over from my PB&J to a bowl of cottage cheese and peaches. It’s not for everyone but it’s an all time favorite of mine.  


The Fashion Victim piped up and said, “Is that uuuuhm, that fruit and cream cheese stuff?” 
Cream cheese?
Me {accompanied with a snobby hidden eye roll behind my sunglasses}: “Cottage cheese”
Fashion Victim: “Uggghhh, I hate that stuff but my mama luuuuvs it.”
Me: blank stare. 
I totally understand that everyone has their own opinion when it comes to what you eat but when you have just joined a complete stranger who is obviously content doing her own thing without your spastic commentary, the proper course of action is NEVER to say that what she’s eating is gross. Just some FOOD for thought, friend. 
Soon after our cheese exchange her phone rang and it appeared that whoever she was ‘ploppin a squat’ to wait for had arrived. Drat… 
I was actually a little bummed that I wouldn’t get more material for a witty story-telling blog post until she had gathered her things, stood from the table and proceeded to top off the lunch hour with a conversational WINNER! 
Fashion victim: “Ain’t get ta meet cha but have a good rest o yo day”
Me {unsure of what was actually just said to me}: “Um, thanks. You too?”
And with a flash of her too-tight-for-comfort striped skirt she was gone… and I was utterly satisfied knowing I could take away just enough to compile this sassy post. 
But let’s be serious for a minute. 
I’m not sure where this chick was coming from, or where she was going, but based on the general age of people I normally see coming out of our building with folders in hand and “interview attire” I’d venture to guess that there is some kind of “real world prep” course being offered to students and recent grads interested in getting interview and resume help. If that’s the case I really hope that she wasn’t coming from or going to an interview because anyone in their right mind would turn her away at the first flash of her purple bra. If they took a leap of faith and gave her the benefit of the doubt DESPITE her choice of attire, the second she opened her mouth they would have wondered where she got such a realistic counterfeit high school diploma from and said, “Thanks, but no thanks!”
The moral of the story:
Learn proper grammar.
Figure out what professional attire means.
Realize that no matter how cute your bra is, no one wants to see it.
Don’t talk about my cottage cheese.
And realize that NO ONE should ever eat pork rinds. 

Until next time… 
Have you ever encountered someone that makes you question America’s educational system? Share your story with the class. 

2 thoughts on “First NEW JOB Funny Story, That Has Really NOTHING To Do With My New Job

  1. Or "plop a squat". That expression sounds like something that should be done in a small room with the door closed. I love the show "What Not To Wear" In one episode, Stacy London commented to a young lady "Look at all those straps!, then asked, "What ARE you, a piece of luggage?" People, it's called UNDERwear for a reason. Spare us all!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s